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Maybe it would mean being alone, but even that sometimes seems a better state than what you are in now. Sometimes you wonder if you are the same person you used to be, or even if you know who you are. In contrast, you fear that if you end the affair, you will never feel this level of deep love ever again.
Though you do not wish to admit it, occasionally you fantasize about your spouse or your lover’s spouse having a car accident, or dying from some natural cause. Your children, friends, church, and everyone else would be by your side in mourning, and later all would rejoice in your marriage to your paramour. You may feel great love and trust for your paramour, but deep within there is fear. You fear that this is your one chance in life to have what others may only dream, and that opportunity will never come a second time.
A forgotten text, a mislaid note, a suspicious sighting of the two of you together, or a thousand other things can happen.
When that occurs, you will have no control over what happens next.
When together with your lover, you feel an amazing blending of ecstasy and peace. Sadness and shame surface sporadically because you have not defeated your feelings of guilt about what you are doing.
Instead, your own morality and integrity have tunneled deep inside you to war with your soul.
Though you wanted to do the right thing, ending the relationship was too difficult emotionally, mentally, or physically.
With time, you gave up the idea of ending it and evolved into the situation that now controls you.
You feel intense emotions for your lover, but even as you tell yourself…or your lover…that everything is going to be wonderful, deep within a small voice says that it will not be.
You felt responsible for your lover; you feared that they would be decimated, or get sick, or lose everything if you went away.
At times, you feared that if you ended the relationship, your lover would be so distraught that they might destroy you, your reputation, your family, or your finances.
Secretly, you wish that your dilemma would somehow resolve itself without your having to do anything.
You find yourself thinking that if your lover would walk away, you could get past this, but the idea of losing your lover terrifies you.